Latest Posts

Monday, 8 May 2017

Moving on

Ojas Mehta
After a decade of Cranberry Sauce and Blogger, it's finally time to move to a different platform. Find my personal blog at http://medium.com/@existentialist/
Thanks a lot for reading. Thank you Google!

If you're looking for inspiring stuff, stay tuned here :)

Tuesday, 15 November 2016

Move Your Body

Ojas Mehta
2016-11-15 10:26 PM
It takes a lot for me to feel happy, fine, alright. Today it took an admittance of suicidal intention, a lot of drama with mom, a long walk from Hiranandani to Splendor, 2 Prestiqs, One escitalopram, a strong coffee, several cigarettes and mindful meditation for me to feel fine again. And realise that I'm acting like an idiot, uncontrolled, wild, unhuman, and honestlyin an unacceptable way. And also to realise there are many things that I can and want to do, and that doing those things will make life not only better, but perhaps even enjoyable.

I must try to make the most of these times when I feel well, and make committments and roadmaps, as well as guidelines for when I'm not feeling well. Yes I'm seriously depressed, and suicidal. There is no hiding away from this reality. Yes, in general I am disillusioned by society and desire something extraordinary, superhuman. But a part of this desire also stems from my personal issues - insecurity, fear of failure, abject laziness, procrastination, an all or nothing attitude, negligence of physical exercise or any activity, self created isolation. And most importantly, idleness. They lead to depression and depression leads to them. Balance is very important for a healthy, happy, full and satisfying life.

People are not stupid, even the ones that glide along in life, do the pop things, and never think deeply. That they do well means they do certain things right - whether out of (physical, mental or emotional) instinct, tradition, following the herd, or individual choice. Most people end up a full life because they keep living, stay balanced, do (more or less) the right things to lead a healthy life.. whether they are completely aware of it or not. For example dancing at a party or club creates euphoria, releases endorphins/serotonin, helps one unwind and release pent up frustrations, creates a blissful, meditative, at times orgasmic experience when the body moves in harmony with music. It creates a feeling of commonality, oneness with people around and the music; and perhaps many more things that are hard to fathom by our (my) limited minds. People's rason to dance might be lame and seemingly shallow, but that dosn't change the effects, the experience.

Yes to think, enquire, question, ponder is noble. But it is equally important to live, act out, do seemingly mundane and superficial things, yet do them to the best of our abilities, with all our minds presence, mindfully, authentically. Zen, or the way of the Tao lies in everything we do - so I have heard and want to believe. The mind is hard to shut up, specially at times like these when everything seems pointless, and an inner explosion of bliss (awakening) seems to be the only thing that appeals. Now more than ever, I must live, act mindlessly at first if necessary, but act nonetheless, and be in the moment, not stuck inside my head. Why? Because mommy says so, and the doc, and my closest friends, and every self help book/article out there. For once just follow and don't question. God knows your life depends on it.

Saturday, 18 June 2016

Right Here Right Now

Ojas Mehta

NOW is the time I finally start living the life I have always wanted to live; my dream life.

NOW is the time I finally become the person I have always wanted to be; my ideal self.

NOW is the time I fully commit to living life to the best of my capacity. Time I start doing all the things I have ever wanted to do.

NOW is the time I live in the present, not yesterday or tomorrow. Every single day, every hour and minute.

NOW is the time I devote myself wholeheartedly to making the most of right now. Time I live every moment to it's fullest; squeeze every drop.

NOW is the time I give my 100% effort in everything I do, nothing less. Time I stop quitting midway.

NOW is the time I stop compromising, settling for less than what I really want. Time I stop holding myself back (for self preservation? for later?).

NOW is the time I wake up from my blissful slumber and face reality. Time I accept myself for who I am, than living in denial; be completely true to myself.

NOW is the time I rid myself of guilt, shame or regret. Time I forgive myself unconditionally for mistakes in the past.

NOW is the time I stop kidding myself.. making excuses, cover ups. Time I stop complaining, blaming others for why things are the way they are. Just fucking stop.

NOW is the time I kick out my inner demons - self doubt, negativity, worry. Time I stop doubting my ability, sabotaging my own happiness. No more.

NOW is the time I let go off my inhibitions, fear, shyness. Time I stop being afraid of what other people might think.

NOW is the time I stand up; emerge from hiding behind the shadows. Time I unleash the real me, let my inner natural self emerge.

NOW is the time I start moving directly toward my goals, instead of fucking about. Time I start doing the things I know are right; quit doing the things I know are wrong.

NOW is the time I stop procrastinating on the things I know I need to do. Time I stop yielding to temptation, looking for instant gratification.

NOW is the time I take complete responsibility and ownership of my life: the captain of my ship. Time I start living my own life instead of imitating somebody else's.

NOW is the time I rise above mediocrity. Above my old self. Time I make myself count in the world, become my own superhero.


It isn't too late.

It isn't too soon.

The time is now.


Words are shit. Intentions are shit. Action is all that matters. Do it.

Keep moving forward.

Friday, 4 March 2016

A Model of the Dating World

Ojas Mehta
(Image credit: OkCupid blog)


This model explains preferences for dating, relationships, sexual activity and even friendships. It's a macro level analysis - individual differences/preferences would always exist. After all, that's what saves the world from being completely deterministic, and people being robotic and completely predictable!

Terminology:
Agent (n). A person in the system
Mate (n). A prospective partner
Score (v). To gain access to, as desired (i.e. for dating/sex/marriage/offspring)

Statement: There exists a definite, indisputable dating economy, or System. Everybody has a market value (or level). This is based primarily on looks (fitness, attractive features, visibly health and radiance) but also on wealth, intelligence, wisdom, degree of self actualisation, and even environment of residence.

Agents typically like to go for a mate ABOVE their own level, and tend to be dismissive about the ones below them. Often agents (esp males) tend to be ambitious and attempt to score mates way above their league. On the other hand, agents' acceptance/tolerance for mates below their level varies, and is an individual difference. Most of the times, agents are aware exactly what their value is. Some (often males) tend to be delusional and overly optimistic about their value, and this is an evolutionary coping strategy. On the other hand, a very select few agents of high value (typically female) aren't aware of their worth, or choose to ignore or rise above physical standards of worth. These are the golden nuggets that represent hope for the average agent and a justification to keep trying outside their league!

A lot of the dating system world on evolutionary principles. Everybody wants an elite mate, one they can have superior offspring with. Of course not all agents are consciously aware of this at all times, but it is hard coded in each agent's automatic behaviour and instincts.. and thus manifests itself anyway. Of course, as designed by nature, males chase females. This may give the impression that females on average possess higher value than males, but this is not true and it evens out in the long run.

Now because everybody desires and attempts to score the top agents, we naturally find the skewed 99%-1% pattern emerging (similar to the well known income disparity). For example, the top 1% (percentile) of females are desired by 99% of males. It's unfortunate but very real - the world is not a level playing field.

This manifests itself in localised circles, like in a school classroom or a group of friends, and is particularly apparent online. Social sites like Facebook/Twitter and dating sites like Tinder/OkCupid are the ideal environments where these patterns naturally emerge and can be systematically observed. I believe the skewness is even more extreme in female agents, perhaps because since ancient times a woman's value has been linked to her physical beauty. For male agents, other factors such as wealth and social stature may offset physical "fit"ness, thus making it harder to assign a concrete value. Research shows female attractiveness is more universal and less subjective than for males.

Insight: "Number of likes per picture is a signifier of popularity, but also perceived attractiveness and market value."

Example 1. A Facebook profile picture of a top 1% female agent would receive, on average, 200+ likes (if it's flattering enough photo), whilst an average female might receive only 10.
Example 2. An OkCupid profile of a "fit" girl (real or fake!) would receive on average 100 messages per day, whilst for an average girl it might be 1 or 2 a day. (I have empirical evidence for this!)

Of course, the 99% population contains gradation too. Within the 99% there are moderately attractive agents, average ones and ugly ones (unfortunately true) that nobody desires. It's a spectrum of desirability that we choose to look as a binary split in this instance.

What does this mean to YOU, an individual with free will; the agent you care about most? Do you know what your market value is yet? Sorry to break it to you, but statistically speaking you are most likely in the 99%. Would you continue to chase the 1%, or try to spot a hidden gem that self identifies as merely average. Bottom line: How much do looks matter to you?.. Can you break free of your evolutionary instincts?

Further Reading: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-looks-and-online-dating/

Thursday, 3 March 2016

Canada: First Impressions

Ojas Mehta
(The views represented in the following post are personal, subjective and fluid. No offence is intended.)

Note To Self: People can be very diverse. If anything, the observable extremes have been stretched wider in Canada.

I guess it's important to pen down thoughts when they come, given my memory. Best to showcase significant experiences, or risk losing them.

I've lived a long day today, and interacted with multiple diverse personalities. I am floored by how different people here in Toronto have been, both good and bad. On the one hand there are the extremely friendly, outgoing and helpful - typical of North America really as I'm finding (not just in the US). On the other hand, in a brief period I've come across people that have given me rather bitter experiences; people that have been closed minded, racist, condescending, rude, arrogant, and deliberately perverse. Not all the same person of course. I have also encountered not one but two elaborate scammers, and an organisation that's tried to be a cunning opportunist.

Overall though, I don't believe Canada is a real country. It's borrowed it's identity from Americans and immigrants. The only thing I find ingenious and impressive is the country's ability to cope with extreme cold. I do believe though that the country needs a few original, dynamic people to step forward and drive the country's economy and society forward. Likely immigrants. Perhaps I'd be one of them.

I don't mean to say it's a bad country though. A replica needn't necessarily be a cheap imitation. Canada is still a well developed country, hosting a diverse population. It is perhaps a placid, peaceful and socialist version of America, which is not a bad thing. Undoubtedly, the entire North American continent lacks the rich cultural heritage, of the UK and Europe.. or even India, each of which I inevitably use as reference. Again, this doesn't spell doom. In fact, as more and more countries become globalised, and people begin to identify as global citizens than rigid nationals, Toronto and Canada would be yet another hotpot of diverse cultures and individuals. It probably is one already. This begs the question, if all cities become international hubs, how do you separate one from another? As the world dissolves into one, on what basis do you choose one country of residence over the other? This may be entering the zone of the unknown unknown, a future that's hard to predict, let alone visualise. Hard not to be excited, or at least look forward to a new world paradigm.

Also, could this be a return of Cranberry Sauce.. or was this just a caffeine and novelty induced one off?

Sunday, 13 July 2014

Summertime sadness

Ojas Mehta
11:09 13/07/2014
Everything is what it is, and will be. Life is cool in the summers, hot in the winters. There's a lot of party, life is a reason to celebrate, be close to loved ones, cherish, share. Life goes on, smooth, unimpeded, without much challenge, notwithstanding the occasional hiccup that in the long run seems part of the design. Life is a pop song.. I hate pop. It takes a lot to love, to share. It's life's essence, its nectar they say.  The inventory of emotions repeats itself, the acute and the blunt ones, even boredom. It peaks and troughs, and cycles around again with some noise. Noise keeps us alive, guessing, curious. Sleep is fun.. it simulates all of this drama quicker, more efficiently, without the loss of energy, and it's so real. Food is good as well, unquestioned comfort and joy.

Friday, 15 November 2013

LG

Ojas Mehta
Here I am, in my favourite cosy corner of the world. Costa coffee, all by myself, with a laptop and internet. It's the weekend. I owe nobody nothing, people around me are reasonably ok... and thus, life is pretty much ok. It's Christmas time again, and the magic is in the air. I wonder how the Westerners have managed to preserve the sacred festive spirit of Christmas through all these years.. through globalisation and capitalism, the location of Santa Claus has still remains the best kept secret in the world... impossible to decipher one would think, until about 10. The world more or less speaks the same language... and manages to communicate and share through linguistic and cultural barriers. Things just work. Life always moves forward, despite the odds and sometimes dire circumstances. In the end, what really matters? Smile, love, happiness, joy of living, living and sharing the moment. That's what they all say, that's what I feel too, after being through a fair bit. I love my extremes, my patterns, my coffee, my curiosity. This is what makes me who I am, for good or bad, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. There is an orchestra playing out in the open, at every moment, one just needs to tune into it. Let the rhythm engulf you. Feel the bliss of the moment. Enjoy the moment, for all it's flavour - enchanting and horrific. Feel true passion and pain, while always being a step away from stepping back and letting the moment soak in. I like to call it life sync, I used to call it ptsyncgruality.

Wednesday, 23 October 2013

Mindful Narcissism

Ojas Mehta

I am Strong, powerful, confident, untouchable, invincible..
Today.

I punch my fist in the air of jubilation, victory, glory..
Today.

I am unbeatable. I am the best..
Today.

The fabric of the universe flows by me, easily..
Today.

I am supreme. The ultimate. The best EVER.
Today.

I have no enemies, I am too strong for them..
Today

I am full of myself and I know it. But there isn't a thing anyone can do about it..
Today.

There will never be another man as talented, as skillful, as resourceful as I am..
Today.

I am in awe of my own capability.. And deliverance..
Today

I am better than anyone can ever be..
Today.

I am the best there ever will be..
Today.

I smash records for fun..
Today

There's just no stopping me.
Today

I will be an example to everyone that ever tries..
Today

I do what I want, when I want..
Today

I cannot possibly do anything wrong..
Today

Tomorrow I will try again.


Friday, 11 October 2013

Supreme

Ojas Mehta
Filling itself in a loop, I go and come inside and outside of myself
I am complete
I belong
I have home
I will always have home (I believe)
I don't need to fight anymore, or to prove
I am not ashamed, guilty, afraid
I am in harmony
I feel the fabric of the universe.... gliding through my fingers, gently flowing across my body, and sometimes hurriedly.
I feel rested and resting. Vitalised, full of energy but relaxed, that I could sleep
I would rather savour awakening than sleep
Right now life is worth living, experiencing, goals worth achieving. The reward feels real aand tangible.
I might be able to access alternate dimensions while being here.
Today I could even get enlightened.
Today anything is possible, and everything is ok
Today I feel royal love
Love is the elixir of life, the fountain of youth and vitality
Someone has finally open the door to my love
I can now love myself as much as I can love her
I can be free
In this moment, everything is ok
You have a right to be happy
Everything is so comfortable, effortless
Everything I do right now must be right
I can hardly fail
The pieces fit exactly. The contraption works.
It's a miracle but it's true. It's hard to be in disbelief for too long but it's just so good to be true.
I wonder if this might just end like another manic phase, but I daresay I believe this time it can last.
This one is for me. This is my time of glory, my 15 eons of fame. Everybody gets a chance to manifest the life of their dreams, and I have taken my chance with aplomb.
I am right, I am good, I am the best. Even if I'm not it's okay, because I know I will be backed all the way.
Nothing I do can ever be absolutely wrong again
I still want to win, but now I can't possibly lose

Sunday, 6 October 2013

Yes!

Ojas Mehta
It flows through you, inside and out... everything in between
it's warm, sometimes hot
it gushes, flows, churns
This warmth could melt anything in it's way
Oh this heat will burn my insides away
This must be love

No I haven't felt this before
I'm nervous but not scared
I'm anxious but not tense
I'm gasping but not breathless
I'm writhing but not hurt
This must be love

I feel purged, cleansed
redeemed, resurrected
fresh, rejuvinated
bright, incandescent
captivated, overwhelmed
This must be love

Logic doesn't make sense
But I don't care
I'm feel at home far away from home
Home now could be anywhere
There's no stopping us now
This must be love

I'm defenseless, I choose not to fight
I don't feel the need to hide
I'm not guilty, I'm not afraid
I'm ready for whatever lies ahead
This must be love

The fluid of life runs through my veins
A perfect synchrony in my heart and head
Yes this must be love, Ness... and it's for you
You make me want to be my best.

Friday, 27 September 2013

Swing When You're Winning

Ojas Mehta

Listen man  you've got to swing when you're winning
When the moment feels right
You've got to capitalise
When you feel the fabric of the universe laid bare
You must identify it's every detail, learn every groove, feel the intricacy
When you feel the force of life gushing through your veins
You've got to let it run wild and guide you, become you, let loose
When you feel the animal unleash,
you must let it find it's prey.

It's ok to feel strong
It's ok to feel powerful
It's ok to feel invincible
It's ok to win
Man, when the moment comes, you must be willing to let it in.

You may stand tall enough
...and find the world crumbling below you
You may find the world bow at your feet
Don't fear, don't retaliate
Just feel your fear, your energy
Let your passions breathe.....

Swing when you're winning,
it's not going to happen all the time
cease the moment when it's yours
etch it into your memory, feed the ego
replenish your soul with the world's bounty
fill yourself up for the next drought
cause you wont be swingin forever
tomorrow will be tough.


(Title inspired by a Robbie Williams album)

Monday, 16 September 2013

Try Again

Ojas Mehta
How many lessons must a man learn, before he can finally begin to live?
How could he have ever learnt enough?

How many mistakes must a man make before the lessons are embedded in his head?
How many scars can he possibly erase?

How many risks can a man avoid, before he makes the leap of faith?
Can there ever be a thing like too much caution?

How much certainty will guarantee that this next step will not be a mistake?
How can he be sure anyway?

How likely may a man predict the outcome of an arbitrarily probabilistic event to be favourable?
Whyever might he believe it could ever be in his favour?

How does man add up his karma points to know what he really deserves?
Can he be sure of karma at all?

How much can a man rely on his gut feeling if it promises to fulfil his dreams?
Why might he ever trust something that cant be defined?

How much suffering must a man go through before he can taste redemption?
Will his suffering ever end?

How many times must a man lose before he can emerge victorious amons a sea of corpses?
Will he still know what it's like to win?

How many betrayals must a man crash through before he can build an indestructible empire of faith?
And after all this will he still trust?

But trust he must and he will, in himself and the Other. Despite his mistakes and losses, through the suffering and betrayal, however uncertain his fate may appear, man must continue to trust his karma, take another risk, fight for his right to redemption, play to win, outlast his demons and emerge victorious amons a sea of corpses. To continue to live and love is man's duty and his reward.

"I have now understood that though it seems to men that they live by care for themselves, in truth it is love alone by which they live."
 - Leo Tolstoy (What men live by)

Monday, 10 December 2012

The unheard voice

Ojas Mehta
People achieve catharsis in different ways - exercise, sex, music, food, good sleep, friends, spending time with a loved one, alcohol, drugs. I do it through writing, or at least hope to. It's hard to put into words the intense (lack of) emotion I currently feel, but there has to be an outlet. Solace sounds like a distant and academically comforting term. So do friends, and lovers. There is nothing man can't do when he works to the best of his mental prowess, very little that he can without it's cooperation.

Society rewards extroverts for their default behaviour. The world rewards and outward display of everything - emotions, words, opinions and actions. Even a temporary introvert must suffer the punishment of misjudgement, and decisions taken for him, on his behalf, without his permission. The world loves labels, although it's constituents hate being labelled themselves. Money matters, and so does drama. The best actor wins the prize for richest, most sought after, most respected, most loved, most credible source of coexistence. The introvert watches on, waiting for his turn. Waiting for the adjudicator to ask his opinion. He would likely wait forever, unless he makes peace with what really is, what really matters and who we really are. The answer to all this is of course - nothing.

I ask myself the same questions time and again, sometimes desperately, sometimes unknowingly, but the virtual nag remains. The weight. Sometimes I forget what I am after, but do always remember that I am after the answer, the solution, the elixir. There are times I can't think straight like right now; when logic, purpose, drive evade me, let alone belonging. But there remains a belief that this can be done. That next time will be the time. But also that unfortunately not this time. I'm just about sick of hearing 'not this time' now, it's been way too long.

An introvert needs to be very self assured to survive, and thrive. And thrive he can, but only when the internal demographics have sorted themselves out - with constant tidying up, repainting and renovation. Society doesn't do any favours, but it never has. Coexistent and competitive - that's the way we are designed to live, although I question the designer. We are also preached to live with passion, aggression and strong resolve. Society rewards people of strength, especially among men. It also punishes the weak and vulnerable, in all forms and quite consistently. Indecisive is weak, flexible may also be considered weak. Impatience to achieve goals, misalignment with society, and any displays of incompetence - physical or mental can mean a big setback in this points based scoring for individuals within society. On the other hand, show-boating, cockiness, abandonment of those that live independent of social code, ridicule, social canvassing, use of clout to achieve or trounce - these are considered traits of strength and nobility. The opinion of the man with the strongest backing is always right - but this backing may not arise from competence or rational election. Society is flawed.

The independent introvert does not only get out-voiced by the extrovert social, he is also everyday fighting a battle to safeguard his colour, his stance so that one day he may be able to overcome the non-existent noise and live in personal righteousness. And hopefully influence a crowd of his own.

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